so just back from a 3 week trip with 3 of my oldest friends 

and i loved it and laughed a lot and did a lot of fun stuff

but i cant wait to be in a group of people where taking the piss out of each other isnt the go-to comment

theres a big difference between dicking around about each other and just being mean but it all falls under the same shitty thing when there’s no out

and its largely one person im talking about and largely because we argued a lot about SJ stuff and how he saw me reading something and said proudly “ugh, anything that mentions privilege is absolute shit” and this trend continued and didnt listen to a single thing i tried to say and it got to where there would be no joke to it. it would literally just be out loud to my face, winking laughing and nudging my friends “lets see how badly he can fuck this up” when im trying to talk to service people. or when i try to navigate a city ive never seen before and im blamed for everything that day because i got turned around once

or how throughout the whole holiday i has mocked for showing any sort of sincerity or curiosity in what was around me 

i think a lot less of someone i used to call a good friend, and midway through the holiday we “cleared the air” but that was just so that hed actually open his mouth without talking shit about me

masculinity is so closed and shut off and insincere and ignorant and agressive andt i just cant wait to be in an environment where people are actually nice to each other

i havent seen sincerity in 3 straight weeks and i miss it

these past couple of month ive been away from home the most stressful thing ive come up against it talking to my mum and the first few times i did it it ended with me in tears but this post is about the fact that i called my mum today and it was okay 

my parents are still way disappointed in me for failing first year but i guess the worst has passed

im getting there

two people liked that post and they we’re the exact people that I wanted to see it
you 2 feel me and I love you.

lole whenever people talk about first year of college positively i get kinda bummed out bc i did nothing, fell out of shape, slept with people i didnt like and failed to do anything meaningful

i used to be happy and attractive
ha ha ha h

my first relationship was totally overly romantic my second was horribly aromatic and the third was a weird unhealthy combination of the two id like something normal at this point please

seriously though what if someone felt about me even kind of romantically
its been exactly 800 years since anyone cared about me and is getting to me

i don’t know i feel like i have nothing to offer any of my friends let alone a partner
i feel like my local friends are getting bored of me i feel like i don’t talk to anyone anymore i just joke and make small talk these are totally my issues and i have the power to fix them but it’s so difficult and i don’t know how

wanting a girlfriend is so awful like i don’t want to want a girlfriend but I’m selfish and fuck this

i tried to word this a lot of different ways trying to not sound awful but all i keep coming with is that i would like a girlfriend uuuuuugh i hate it